Break Up to Make Up

Why Second Chances Rarely Work

Whether you’re thinking of giving your ex a second chance or you’re already fully in your second, third, or fourth…go-'round, this is for you.

Breakups suck, they hurt and leave us feeling rejected and alone. It can be very seductive to entertain giving someone a second chance and getting right back into a relationship that has already proven not to work. I know the feeling, I’ve been there many times.

I’ve given people more chances than I sadly care to recount. Many of us are taught to be forgiving and to give people the benefit of the doubt. While this is a very noble belief, it isn’t rooted in living safely or practically but more in spiritual bypassing for the sake of appearing to be honorable. There is nothing honorable about forgiving someone who has at their worst, done you wrong, mistreated you in any way, or at best, just didn’t align with your overall life goals. It’s not only a waste of your precious time, it can leave you vulnerable to more confusion and hurt.

Giving second chances can feel like a really good idea when a relationship suddenly ends. You’re hurting, looking to stop the hurt, and being uncomfortable and in pain just doesn’t seem like the best way forward. You start to question yourself and the breakup. You wonder if ending the relationship was the right choice. Whether it was yours or not, you still try to make sense of the hurt and grapple with moving on.

There are two main reasons why second chances rarely work. 

First, not enough time has passed to really process the relationship and why it didn’t work in the first place. The need to bypass the reflection part and jump right back into comfort outweighs the logical and self-protective piece of time and distance to heal.

Second, we have a narrow view of our former love and place them on a pedestal that is not only clouded in pain but overly focused on “the good times”. This kind of thinking doesn’t allow for a clear picture of who they really are to us and how they treated us. This sets us up for yet another breakup with deeper hurt and disappointment.

There’s a reason you two broke up. It’s a smarter strategy to take time to reflect on that than to jump right back into a relationship with them or with anyone else for that matter, but that’s a topic for another time.

Now, don’t get me wrong there are plenty of people who rekindle relationships and get back together stronger and better than before. However, that is not the norm and you shouldn’t base your decision on a one-off story from a friend of a friend or an older generation of people who saw no other choice than to stick it out in times when people were stuck with each other. 

The fact is, many people get back into unfulfilling relationships because they’re afraid and they live an unhappy, unsatisfied life with someone they should have wished well and moved away from. 

Before you consider making up with your ex, ask yourself these very important questions:

*Do (insert ex’s name) and I have the same life goals? 

*What was the breakup about? Why didn’t it work the first time?

*Are you BOTH willing to work through your issues together?

*Were you genuinely happy and secure in the relationship?

*What does this new version of you two look like?

There are many more questions to ask yourself before considering giving someone a second chance, though these are my top five.

It’s critical to identify whether you’re jumping into forgiveness for the right reasons and whether it’s worth your time. If you need to restore any relationship at any cost, there’s probably much more work that needs to be done before you get back into something that may not work for you.

Remember this, an unfulfilling, unhealthy, toxic, or all-around bad-for-you relationship ending is a victory. It may make you sad and it will hurt but it’s not sad to walk away from something that isn’t working or healthy for you.