Is Wishing Revenge on My Ex Normal?

It always begins here.

There are times in life when someone treats you so badly that thoughts of them suffering are frequent and inescapable. You know you’re a good person but an image of your ex drowning in tears somehow puts your shattered heart at ease. Then suddenly you’re gripped with the thought, “am I as shitty of a person as they are?” Short answer, no! The long answer is more comforting though, so let’s dive in.

Without getting into an exhausting description of the ego and its role, let’s agree that for most of us it’s running the show. It’s telling us what to do, think, and who to be at all times. Simply put, it’s our sense of self. So, if we agree this is true then we can agree, I believe, that when someone hurts us, we begin to question ourselves and everything we are. I can’t tell you how many exes have made me question everything about myself to the point of insanity.  No more and never again. But I digress. Back to revenge fantasies.

I wish you the worst…

The desire for revenge and fantasies of righting an injustice is totally normal and a sign that you’ve been hurt and you’re human. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or something is wrong with you, it’s a basic human instinct to want to hurt someone who’s hurt you. It’s your ego at play and it’s not only normal but healthy.  According to Robert Biswas-Diener in his article, Revenge is Good for You it boils down to something called embitterment.  Basically, embitterment is the sense or feeling of having been victimized and the need to fight back but feeling helpless to do so which leads to fantasies of revenge.

Think about it, don’t you get a sense of satisfaction, when you think of someone who hurt you, feeling hurt themselves or something bad happening to them? Don’t agree? Think about this, we view punishment when legal, an act of justice and we feel at peace. Then why not, when we’ve been mistreated, hurt, or victimized by a former lover, would we not feel the same?

Is revenge actually good for you?

It’s not the actual act of revenge that we seek when these thoughts come in. It’s the lesson that comes from experience, that we want our “offender” to feel, so they know their actions were wrong. It gives us a feeling that there is a sense of order to things. Do right, get rewarded. Do wrong, get punished. I know it sounds juvenile but it’s the way of the world. Why would we think it should be different in personal relationships? It isn’t. And it’s totally normal to feel that way.

This is in NO WAY condoning bad behavior or revenge practices. This is more of an acknowledgment that it’s perfectly ok and even healthy to wish someone the worst after they’ve treated you badly and to hope they suffer too. Even if it’s just a fleeting thought or feeling that helps you to grieve and process your emotions. Generally speaking, these feelings are often fleeting anyway. If they’re not, it might be time to reach out for support. And you know I’m big on support. But in the meantime, if you’re struggling with the feeling of wishing your ex the worst or smiling at the thought of them falling on their face, then wish away. As long as it stays a wish.