How to Breakup Gracefully

When something ends, we get to decide whether we want something more beautiful to take its place or to let the anger and disappointment of its goodbye shrink us into someone small and bitter.

I’ve had my fair share of painful breakups. You know the kind…

The ones where there’s blaming, shaming, name-calling, and character assaults that leave you more humiliated than anything the relationship problems could have ever made you feel.

The story I tell myself

It has been in those moments where I became more attached to the story of what was wrong with me, instead of what wasn’t working in the relationship. It became more about my faults, my shortcomings, and what I needed to change about myself. Can you relate?

What if the opposite is true?

What if there is a dignified and graceful way to break up?

Even when the pain is unbearable. Even when there is betrayal, hurt, and disappointments. Can we still honor the relationship with the compassion and love that was once shared?

Hell YES!!

It’s scary though, right!?!

The thought of someone we love going away for good. What does that mean about us? Our future? What about our plans? What about the NOW?

Whether it be a shared home, children, pets, or maybe even common friends.

How will all of that change?

Not to oversimplify a very complex and painful issue…but the one thing that is always certain in life is change. It’s how we approach that change, that defines what happens next.

WHO the FUCK am I now?

Let’s examine that for a moment. Now we’re single. We’re in pain, suffering, and maybe feeling damaged or broken.

Are we now suddenly unworthy of love because this person doesn’t love us anymore? Can we give ourselves and our former partner permission to outgrow the relationship? To outgrow us?

Are we allowed to change?

The BREAKUP

I’ve been there, I get it. No one wants to be left or feel unloved.

BUT what if a breakup isn’t about falling out of love with someone else but actually falling in love with yourself?

If I’ve learned anything about breakups is that we don’t want all of us to survive the breakup, that’s the point of a breakup. Something WE were doing wasn’t working. You have to break the old self completely, wear it down and allow for something healthier and more fulfilling to take its place.

If you want to have a bigger love, you have to have something bigger to think about.

Where there is poison there is a remedy

When we’re going through a breakup, we get to choose how to show up. Not only do we have the power to show up differently than we ever have, but also different than the other person too.

If someone is behaving badly toward us, it doesn’t mean that we need to behave badly too. How someone behaves isn’t a reflection of who we are but who they are.

We can decide to show up with dignity and grace and respect for ourselves. Even if we no longer respect the other person. We get to be both tough and tender, open and vulnerable to the experience but still have boundaries like a motherf*cker.

When we soften, we allow

When we armor up to prevent the bad from coming in, we also prevent the good from coming in too. When we get defensive, puff our chest and try to protect ourselves, we numb ourselves to all the goodness and sweetness that can come with this painful experience.

If we strike out in anger, instead of appreciation of and for the other person, we miss out on the point of the breakup, which is to open the door for something better suited for us and our life.

Yes, life can be painful and with each loss, disappointment, and heartache, our suit of armor wants to gets thicker and thicker, so we stay safe.

How can we be open, if the door is locked?

What a heavy burden we place on ourselves. How can anything get out or get in, for that matter? How can we be in a place of both self-protection and vulnerability?

It’s simple, I think. See the other person as someone who is also suffering and is also having an experience that it’s similar to yours.

Recognize that perception is just that, perception.

We never know what someone else is going through and not everyone has the tools to operate the way we do BUT that doesn’t mean they are not struggling too and worthy of compassion and consideration.

Our tenderness is our superpower

When we approach the breakup with tenderness and compassion, we allow each person involved the dignity of their grief and their experience. This can be a final and parting gift we give to each other. And what a more beautiful gift to say thank you for this relationship, I’m sorry it didn’t work out and I wish you so much love…somewhere else.

Tenderness doesn’t make us weak. It makes us brave and it’s in that bravery, where we find our strength.

Never apologize for being open, vulnerable, and tender. It’s in that space we not only give love, we are love and that’s the bravest thing we can be.